Shades
by Frenetic-Kinetic
Summary: Post-Armada/pre-Energon. AU. After enduring the loss of her leader, Megatron, and brother, Starscream, Holler leaps off a cliff to end her life, but is rescued by the one mech that has always been there for her – Hot Shot. One-shot.


**Disclaimer:** Holler belongs to me.

**A/N:** This began as a one-shot, but was changed to a multi-chapter fic. After deliberating, I returned this to the original idea. I admit that this is quite dark and strange, but features Holler's fractured mind, trying to mend. It's also a rare case of me writing in first person, rather than third. I hope you like this updated version, and please review.

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The torrential rain smoothly slipped over my azure armour; seeping into the cracks between was unavoidable. The downpour made it near-impossible to distinguish the shapes of skyscrapers and metallic foliage from the inky firmament. Night-time. Some would call the dark ominous and hate it for making them vulnerable, but I found it gave me strength, hiding the scrutinous, ever-present optics of others. They thought they were being sneaky, peering at what I've become. They thought I didn't know when they were following my every move. And they especially didn't think I was capable of fighting anymore.

At least they had that last bit right.

I was battling my torn emotions all the time. My mind wanted me to keep working on repairing the relationships with those I hadn't yet lost. Its presence was so overpowering, but a small voice asked me what the point of it all was. I had no answer…even after losing _him_…I didn't know what else to say, apart from asking him why everything had to happen the way it did.

_Starscream…you left me all alone, just when I was ready to forgive you for everything that happened between us. To sacrifice yourself, just to prove a point, is the action of a glitch._

An electro-magnetic scream erupted, weaving itself into the shadows. The rain filled my open mouth, as I recalled the loss, the feeling of it eroding my very being and biting into my armour, to remind me that I was still alive. Metal crashed onto the ebony-grey ground, but the sound didn't ring in my audio receptors, until several nano-kliks later – a long time for a Cybertronian. It was only then that I'd also realised the noise had been caused by my wings clattering behind me. I hadn't transformed or flown around my home planet for orns. To not be able to fly again was beginning to feel like a pleasure.

_I'll never love you the way I did, when we were sparklings, Starscream. How could you have gone to the Well Of All Sparks, when I needed to talk? How could he have been so selfish to me_? It was with these thoughts, that I realised how much I hated my older twin.

My voice fell silent, too dry from skipping Energon meals the Autobots forced on me. If my voice broke too, it would just free me a little more. I smiled. Falling apart like this was starting to get fun. To top it all off, I was suffering from a lack of sleep, too – the noise that I had been named after kept everyone awake in the evening. I would try going into recharge, but soon the nightmares would take hold of my spark, filling it with another type of dark to the one I found comforting. The former was a rich red, the very colour of the optics of a deceased male that had brought me security with his power.

Then the light would pull me from his grasp. I would fight the tugging, by thrashing and screaming, begging for the red to swallow me up. I feared it, but I wanted it too. I would wake to baby blue eyes and a mass of gold. My spark would shimmer and overheat, as blue energy wrapped itself around the pain, restoring the lost energy. Everything cold and these dangerous thoughts would die, once I collapsed into the Yellow One's arms.

I hated remembering the past. The sensation of loathing ripped a colossal hole in my spark, without the Yellow One here. Hate forced me to despise them all, not caring how or why they had left me, but that they had done so. They were all selfish, to leave me alone. _How dare they break me in this way?_ I had expected it from Starscream, but _Megatron_? My tortured mind had decided the Commander was benevolent beneath those poisonous, ruby orbs that had so often made my spark sing. They were all to blame, I had decided. None of this had been my fault. _I was the victim of those slaggers!_

So…after suffering from their selfishness for so long, I had finally come up with an idea.

I stared over the edge of where I was standing. A perfect place to end it all. Just one more step forward and I would hurtle off the cliff, the wind dancing over my broken self, my spark compressed by crushed blue and white armour. The light would go out forever. There would be no screaming anymore. I smiled, recalling their faces and the way they all had treated me over the years. This was my thanks. If I did this, I'd see Starscream and Megatron again, I reassured myself. I would tell them all that was spinning in my mind. The rest of my days would be spent punishing their spirits. I would reduce them to fragile creatures, not even worthy of being called scrap.

My foot scraped across the rough edge, precariously hovering over the chasm. The gales charged at my body, whispering encouragement to go through with this. I pitched myself forward, an invisible hand nudging me along. The ground seemed to evaporate…I suddenly found I was falling. The uplift scratched my framework, slipping through the damage. I looked how I felt. Just another stain at the bottom of the pit would be all that was left.

_A perfect ending, wouldn't you say, brother?_

A long slab of metal slammed into my midriff, knocking me back into reality, in less than an astrosecond.

"Wh-?" I couldn't say the complete word yet; the agony had numbed my vocal chords. Was I finally going to the Well Of All Sparks?

"What the slag do you think you're _doing_?"

_That isn't Primus…I'm not dead…I'm not dead…it can't be you._ Muddled thoughts overtook my torment, and I felt myself trying to focus on what was above me. Quickly, I discovered I was suddenly being pulled from my abyss, my final resting place, and tugged upwards. I was back onto the slippery surface I had stepped from.

A familiar masculine tenor roared at me through the downpour, but there wasn't a reply to give. How would I have explained all that motivated me to do this?

"Holler! Talk to me!"

The calling of my name forced me to think purely again and listen properly to the figure at my side. My vision gradually cleared, although misty from the weather…and something else wet that I hadn't yet registered.

Tears cascaded down the lines of my faceplate. What felt to me like a slump of my aching form actually came as a rough crash into the chest of this familiar individual. Muffling sobs made him bring both arms around me and whisper comforting words. It didn't matter that he was shorter than I was. I nuzzled further into his arms, relishing the warmth. A servo smoothed over my head, sweeping across my metal 'dreadlocks'.

"Please, say something…" The desperate tone left a shudder rippling down my backstrut, setting every wire and cog in my CPU on fire. With a burning throat and no way yet of speaking, I simply nodded. He seemed satisfied. "Are you feeling better, yet?"

I gave a shake of the head, not wanting to end this embrace. If he let go, the blue energy would fade. He tried to move, but I held fast. The nostalgia was like a drug. His tenor then came as softly as a purr. The mech must have realised being forceful wasn't going to work…which made him a world apart from Megatron. Not that the Decepticon had ever had to be forceful – I'd always followed every command.

"Come on, or you're gonna rust."

Something inside gave up. A hand came under my arms, holding both sides of my torso and hauling me up. _Since when did he get so strong?_ I came onto my feet, as he straightened, keeping his firm grip.

Then it dawned on my psyche. He had just held me the same way as my saviour, the Yellow One. My mind fused them. They were one and the same. I had just forgotten, wrapped up in everything before the fall. He had returned. _My_ White Knight. He had to take care of me, after what I had done. I was wrapped up, but, this time, not in the comforting dark or even his overwhelming light; I felt a new shade touching the core of my spark…grey. I would remain in the middle, forcing him to be close…

To only me.

**The End**


End file.
